You guys already know I'm a blogging expert. So expert in fact that I practically have my PHD in blogging. Since I'm so knowledgeable in my field, I thought I'd help all of you out, bigtime, and teach you how to become the perfect blogger. Just follow my steps and you'll become ultra internet famous in no time at all. Listen close, my darlings, because I have ALL the secrets.
To start off, you should really Fit A Mold. If you see a blogger you admire, do everything in your power to be exactly like them. Change your style, dye your hair, get plastic surgery. Stop at no expense. They are your ultimate goal, and obviously who you want to become. Don't be yourself, that's so 2011. I can't stress this enough.
If you can't be like another blogger, Find A Celebrity To Emulate. Whoever you pick, make sure it's someone that's in style. You can be like Carrie Bradshaw, but make sure the only calories you consume come from cosmopolitans. Skip dinner and read Vogue instead. Think of how your cheekbones will stand out, flawless! If you're in the younger set, make yourself a carbon copy of Kylie Jenner. Plump your lips until they're practically exploding off your face. Start disrespecting your parents. Wear someone's college tuition on your wrists.
Insider tip! If you're not perfect, there's always photoshop.
Quit your job or education to become a full time blogger. It doesn't matter if you have your blog up and running yet, you just know you're gonna get famous, so be sure you make it your biggest priority. Who needs a degree when they could be racking in the sponsors?!
Make friends with other bloggers, but only if they can benefit you. Cut everyone else out, even family if you have to. If your
friends adoring fans aren't out there promoting your posts, what are they worth to you? Get rid of them, they're just dead weight.
Keep money and numbers on your mind. In the blogging world, you aren't much more than your follower count. If you don't have over 650 thousand pageviews every hour, you're doing something wrong. If you need a boost, just buy a bunch of follwers, or spam other people begging them to follow you. Don't hold actual conversations with people, you don't have time for that. If a company or artist isn't paying you to blog about them, don't do it. Even if you believe in the company or really like the artist.
Make sure your blog has TONS of sponsored posts and giveaways, one right after the other. After all, its all about the follower count and the free stuff. That is the ONLY reason to blog, after all.
Tell everyone how great you are. Much like this post, I let you know just how much of an expert I am. I should probably throw in a selfie too, just for good measure. Heck, I'll give you two. Remind your readers just how unattainable your greatness is.
Here I am looking absolutely flawless and amazing in every way. You wish you were me.
Other things you can do to make the most of your blogging fame:
- Never respond to comments, emails, or tweets. No one is ever worthy of your attention.
- Trick your readers into believing some sort of ritual. Tell them the benefits of only eating chicken on Tuesdays. Make your loyal followers hang on your every word.
- Spend all your money at the most outlandish restaurants and stores. Review everything. Even if you love it, tell everyone how much it sucks. Bad feedback is one of the #1 ways to get free stuff from companies, they'll want to impress you again! It's not fraud or anything.
- If you're low on cash, buy things, take photos of them, then return them to the store. Your readers will never know, and they will be so impressed by your constant influx of trendy products. You know what they say, materialism is a virtue!
That's it for today guys, I hope you loved all my tips and tricks. Maybe one day you'll be as good at blogging as me, but probably not. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.
*Disclaimer: this post is satire, I hope I made it obvious enough. Please do not take these tips seriously.
Are you a perfect blogger?
Are you a perfect blogger?
What are your perfect blogging tips?