I know why you're here. You know that I am an unending source of pure life knowledge. I am among the world's most respected philosophical minds, and I have achieved so much in my short life on this planet. Seek no further, I am the end-all-be-all. I am the authority when it comes to life advice, but obviously I'm wasting my time telling you this because you already knew that.
All jokes aside, I recently found myself asking some pretty hard questions. These things seem to hit me most often while I'm driving. I'll be on i66 jamming to NSYNC and then *boom* it will hit me. What is the meaning of life? Why are we all here? But I've found that the answers are simple.
The answer to most questions is quite often whatever you want it to be, with some exceptions of course. I can never tell anyone the true answer to their question, or the true solution to their problem. One can only guess, aim, and hope for the best.
Honestly the hardest question in this post is which of these is grammatically correct? "Lifes hard questions" or "Life's hard questions." The world may never know, but if you do know. Please tell me. I'm an English major and somehow still struggling with that one. Certainly life isn't asking the questions of us, we are asking them of life. Or are we?
Without further ado, here are some hard questions, and my simple answers for them:
Pepsi or Coke?
The answer was previously Diet Pepsi, but then they changed their formula. Now it's Diet Coke. I'm still dealing with this one. My world may never be the same.
Why do cats always seem to want you to pet their bellies, but then when you do they attack mercilessly?
Because they are bloodthirsty beasts hellbent on using their cuteness to overthrow the human race.
Why do black clothes always get stupid lint all over them?
Because the creators of lint rollers have devised this as a plan to take all our money.
Why does everyone else seem to have their sh*t together when I just feel like a giant sack of potatoes?
Because they're just better at pretending than you are.
I just saw that my ex got engaged, what should I do?
Laugh. Laugh and smile. Know why? Because you don't have to suffer the "win" on this one. You didn't get the ring, and honey you should be glad. For every breakup, there's a reason. Even if you weren't the one doing the reasoning. Be happy that you don't have to put up with his annoying snoring, or her obnoxious chewing for the rest of your life. Because there's someone out there that's a million times better suited for you.
Are leggings pants?
If you like them and they're comfortable and you're not going to get arrested for indecent exposure, yes they are pants. By that rule, anything can be pants, and everything should be pants. Aluminum foil? Pants. Scarves tied strategically around your legs? Pants. The Declaration of Independence? You guessed it. F*cking pants.
Why do the good die young?
So Billy Joel would have something to write a song about.
Why does my pinky toe always seem to find the corner of everything?
Because some people (and toes) just want to watch the world burn.
Is butter a carb?
Yes. And Aaron Samuels' hair looks sexy pushed back.
Why was I forced to learn to play the recorder in 3rd grade? Why is anyone supporting Donald Trump's presidential campaign? Why is printer ink so expensive? Why hasn't Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar yet?
Sadly, some questions will never have an answer.
What hard questions have you been asking yourself lately?